As we’re in the midst of the last hours of 2011, t’s time to take that customary look back through the year. 2011 didn’t deliver any major sweeping changes to my everyday life. Baby Me job, same house, same big-headed husband and goofy children. 2011 also didn’t deliver any babies, and that’s where the change did take place. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that this was the first year in the past 13 in which I wasn’t either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. For the first time in 13 years, I wasn’t actively involved in trying to resolve my infertility or someone else’s.
I sat here dumbfounded when that realization came to me. I didn’t exactly know how to feel about that for a moment. One one hand, I felt immensely grateful that the products of that 13-year scrap with infertility were my own four Minions and one cheeky surrobaby. On the other hand, old wisps of lingering guilt resurfaced, because I felt like my body gave out before my heart did. I still have fight left in me, and knowing that my body retired from surrogacy before my heart was ready to still sometimes makes me a bit sick to think about.
Naturally, my next thoughts turned to this blog. It is here (or on my old blog) where I processed the highs and lows of infertility, love, and loss. With surrogacy no longer a major focus of my life, I’d also lost the focus of my blog. I felt like I’d written myself into a corner. I wasn’t physically doing anything related to surrogacy and infertility, but mentally, I was still running circles around myself. I couldn’t get those thoughts out on my old blog (I’m a Smart One, for those of you who weren’t here with me then) had begun to feel alien. There were too many emotional associations attached to it. I just wasn’t that Superwoman anymore. I couldn’t be. It sounds supremely lame to phrase it this way, but I had a bit of an identity crisis. Just who the hell was I if I wasn’t out kicking infertility’s ass anymore?
It took some time, but I figured it out. A superhero is a badass who saves people. A gangsta is just a super badass.
I can live with that, and learning to was really what my 2011 was mostly about.