Sly and the Family Kidney Stones

This is my mom:

She’s 57. Last weekend she performed in a burlesque number with some of her favorite drag queens and kings.

At damned near 60, she has more of a social life than I do. Hell, she has more of a social life now than I did when I was a third of her age.

Case in point: right now she’s on her computer searching for female pimp costumes for an event she’s going to next month.

For the past 30 years on her birthday, she primly says, “This is the year when I’m finally going to start acting my age.”

Yeah, right. Her version of a rocking chair is a float at a Pride parade, and the only thing you’ll ever see her knit are her eyebrows right before she knocks your ass out with a sweeping roundhouse kick to the grill.

So for a woman who can sometimes be found spending her weekends road tripping on the back of someone’s Harley, it seems rather ridiculous that tomorrow she will be admitted to the hospital for major kidney surgery.

“Kidney surgery” sounds like such an elderly thing, and my Mommy Lady is anything but. Still, her battle with kidney stones has grown progressively more intense over the past 25ish years.

About a month ago, she had yet another lithotripsy to break a huge stone down into smaller, more passable bits. As seems to be the routine for her, a couple of small stones passed, a big one got lodged, and then several smaller ones lined up behind it. What this means for Mom is sweat popping, teeth gnashing PAIN.

A few days later, after downing gallons of water (in effort to flush the stones out) and lots of praying to sweet baby Jesus to JUST. GET. IT. OUT. ALREADY, the lead stone finally plopped out. Unobstructed, several smaller stones clinked out within the following week.

She has to keep her stones in case the doctor wants to run tests on them to check their composition. She affectionately gave the lead stone a moniker of cartoon nemesis proportions:

You’d think that pissing a toilet full of rocks would have solved the overall problem. Not so. What you see above is only part of the original stone. The bigger chunk seemed to be unfazed by the lithotripsy. That sucker (and his backup posse) is still claiming turf Mom’s kidney, like, “What now, pimpin’? Come at me, bro.”

The doctor said, “Bet. Meet me in the OR. December 19. 9 AM. Bitch.” He’s going in to manually remove the stones. That means sharp things and glinty steel and a long recovery.

Today I made the three-hour drive south to Florida to be with Mom while she’s in the hospital, and I’ll stay until Saturday. This should prove to be interesting, because anesthesia and heavy drugs are known to have humorous effects on her. More than 20 years ago after a procedure on her thyroid gland which required a serial killer-like incision across her neck, she woke up she asked if her head was going to roll off. She kept holding the sides of her face like she was afraid it might. A few years ago after one of her first few lithotripsies, she woke up and asked if she was still blue.

“Blue?” my sister, who was with her, asked.

Yesssh, bluuuuee. Like my Avataaaarrrrrr.”

I, Kymberli, do hereby solemnly swear to record anything worthy of post-surgery after-the-fact laughter. That’s what any good daughter would do when her mom is in the hospital with tubes snaking out of her back.

Prayers and good thoughts are welcome.

16 thoughts on “Sly and the Family Kidney Stones”

  1. Hooooooooly Crap! I can’t even believe those things came out of a human body, instead of, say, my LANDSCAPING!!!! I feel so bad for your mom – that had to really hurt.

    Much luck on the surgery. I hope the recovery is not terrible, and your super awesome mom is back to riding Harleys quickly. Can’t wait to see what kind of hilarity ensues due to the anesthesia…

  2. As a fellow “Stone Passer” I can feel her pain…. to a point; I have never had them as big as Sis has. I will be praying for her. Please keep us updated (yanno how well she returns calls lol). We love you guys!!!

  3. Wow..Sending positive love and light for this procedure I have been doing allot of that lately and i will later today for you ((((hugs)))) Love you for who and what you are! Healing hands anointed with God’s Love touch you and feel the presence of a greater power through this process…Amen!

  4. Ouch. Sending good wishes her way and yours that everything goes as smoothly as possible and she recovers quickly.

  5. Omg. May she get well soon. May Lord give her health and shower all the blessings.

    Just came here to wish you a very Happy Christmas. I hope things go well for you.

    My prayers are with you. 🙂

  6. OMFG. If your mom can pass Megatron, then she is made of some serious gangsta stuff. Ouch!

    I’m a bit late in seeing this, so her surgery is long over. I hope that the recovery is going well and that she’s back to taking over the world soon.

  7. Ow!!! Dh & I got a middle-of-the-night call from BIL some years ago, before SIL had her driver’s license, and had to take him to the hospital with what turned out to be kidney stones. He’s a big, tough guy, and he was in incredible pain. Not fun. I hope the surgery was a big success. : )

  8. Thank you all for your comments and well wishes.

    I’m doing well and if you saw the Facebook posts my darling daughter did; you’d know we had a couple of moments of hilarity… like when I didn’t make it back to my room with my underwear on no one knew where it went.

    Moxie showed a whole lot of gangsta, kick ass action when things didn’t go well right after the main surgery. I wish I had seen it. Whew! I won’t even go into details about what happened! I’ll just say, “She for realz took some names!

    I’m strong enough to cry when I need to and I bawled my eyes out when I saw Kym for the first time after the surgery! So my Guinea, thank you, thank you for being there and for being my fierce lion, role reversed daughter! I love you!

    I’m still going to 1. Write a complaint and 2. Write about the experience.


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