There is a lot of social media chatter about selecting your “word” for the year. This is not a new thing, but it is the first time I’ve considered selecting a word for myself. It has been a while since I gave myself something to hang onto. Somewhere in the past couple of years, I gave up on setting and working towards personal goals. In retrospect, I know when it happened, though I didn’t view it that way at the time.
For so long, what I personally strove for was completing a second successful surrogacy journey. Once all that was over, I put no other goal as a target to work toward. It’s not that I didn’t want to–it’s just that I felt lost and couldn’t clarify a focus. It was frustrating, that feeling of searching for but not finding anything. So, I gave up. I backseated myself and instead focused on helping Frank and the kids accomplish their goals. Not that I didn’t before, but focusing on only them took the pressure off of trying to find something that I could claim for myself.
It also caused me to lose little pieces of myself along the way, too. I got lazy. Lazy with my words, lazy with my body, lazy with my efforts, lazy with my looking. I’d deluded myself into believing that all of my looking was pointless and that instead of searching for change, I should stop forcing it and just let it come to me. Well, the only things that changed were the size of my gut and tone of my attitude, and neither changed for the better.
I feel ready to make Big Things happen in 2014, to shed this dried-up cocoon of complacency and make the world spin the way I want it to instead of being spun by the world.
Yesterday after reading Lizz’s post about her word, I got hooked on the concept of trying to determine a word for myself. I couldn’t sleep last night (which is nothing new) because my mind kept trying on and discarding a flurry of words.
Then the word move came to mind. I rolled it over a few times and felt it click into place. Then I rolled over, clicked into place against Frank, and was able to sleep soundly.
2013 was all about keeping my head low, as if by not moving, I could avoid attracting the attention of more bad luck to come my way. Staying still and being quiet meant that I didn’t have to think about the problems I had no control over. Avoidance is how I deal with things. The problem isn’t there if I don’t give it any energy. The problem with that is not giving anything any energy makes you stagnant. Made me stagnant. I need to move.
I need to move my body and get healthy. I need to move my mind and write. Read. Create. Do. Make. I need to move my thoughts away from this grey place and finally make some solid steps towards dealing with the D-word.
Many have chosen not to share their words, but I am sharing mine so that I am held accountable for it. I know that when the going gets tough, I will need encouragement and prodding when I begin slipping into what feels easy instead of doing the heavy lifting.
I have no resolutions this year. Resolutions aren’t resolute at all and have no more permanence than words scratched into sand.
I am, however, making a commitment to myself to move.
What moves do you want to make for yourself this year?