Any Amount of World That Breaks Apart

any amount of world

Several years ago this week, I did something pretty damned amazing. I should be aglow with kindled memories, the warmth of that day and all its symbolism stretching across the years to blanket me in a sense of peace and fulfillment. In this space of time and remembrance, I should feel happy.

I deserve to feel happy.

However, what I feel are the sting of being rendered the collateral damage of illogical thinking and the oppression of shouldering the burden of someone else’s well-intentioned, yet misguided actions. The vision of the day’s purity is tarnished by the imperfect circumstances under which those memories now live.

I have come to terms with the state of where things are now. I really have.

But this anniversary week–and that day in particular–does not fill me, as it should, with the sense of self-congratulatory pride over having successfully navigated a journey that few are equipped to make. This week once was the anchor that kept me mindful of all the things that have gone right in the past seven years. Now, the storm of all my heartaches has been compressed into one turbulent box, and this anniversary week is the shelf upon which it sits. I don’t argue with my psyche and the way it works; in my mind, it is more sensible to allow myself to be miserable during this special week about all the wrongs, and uplifted the rest of the year by all the rights.

I resent that this week has been depreciated in such a manner.

I resent that have been depreciated in such a manner.

About most things, the Pollyanna that is my heart beats in stark contrast to and balances the scathing cynic that is my mind.

But no amount of this particular broken-apart world will fall together again.

And my heart, with all its colors and light, just doesn’t give a damn whether it will or won’t.

18 Comments

  1. Justine on March 25, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Oh, Kym. *hug* There are no words.



  2. m. on March 25, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    oh Kym, your words are stunning, and heartbreaking at the same time. I am so sorry the day isn’t what it should be, that the situation isn’t what it could be. What you have done IS amazing. You are amazing. What you have helped others do (me) is amazing. I am so thankful for you in my life. And I know I am not the only person that feels this way.



  3. a on March 25, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    I’m sorry that this is not the celebratory week that it should be… 🙁



  4. Miss W on March 25, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Love you now and always. Grateful for what you did for that family, what you were prepared to do for mine. If I could, I would carry your pain so that you could have just the joy of it.



  5. Julie Gardner on March 25, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    I don’t have the right words either.
    But I’m here. And in awe of you.
    No matter what.



  6. Keiko Zoll on March 25, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    Your heart IS all colors and light, a prism of kindness – it scatters the light into its many colors, but the beam is focused within you, burning with intensity. You’re a good woman, Kymberli.



  7. Chickenpig on March 25, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    I am so sorry that anything has the power to take away your happiness over what is the most amazing and selfless wonderful thing a woman can give to someone else. Take it back! No matter what, you still have that beautiful thing.



  8. jenn on March 25, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    You are amazing and I love you and your words. I am sorry this is not the anniversary it should be for you.
    I am here for you anytime if you need.



  9. Carolyn Savage on March 25, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    Kym…I hope you know that not only do I completely understand how you feel…sadly…I’m also angered on your behalf. There is just no Earthy reason this is how it should be. So, as an IP, I’m saying thank you. No. I’m screaming thank you at the top of my lungs, from the bottom of my heart and from the tallest roof top. I know it’s little consolation, but I hope you know, deep down, what a gift you have given. Hugs to you.



  10. Megan on March 26, 2014 at 12:20 am

    Reading this wrenched my guts. I’m sad with you. It shouldn’t be like this.



  11. jjiraffe on March 26, 2014 at 12:41 am

    I love Carolyn’s response here, which says it all. Hugs lady. I’m sorry and this sucks. 🙁



  12. Sarah on March 26, 2014 at 8:14 am

    Kym,
    Your goodness and light shine on, even when you don’t know it. Even when you don’t feel it. You and I have (had) a strong connection and shared a very amazing experience. While it didn’t end the way we wanted it to, we still shared it. I say “had” because we don’t really talk anymore. BUT, I think of you ALL the time. Your name comes up in conversations I have with Katie about K,J, J and K. I see your FB posts, I read your blog. Your kindness, warmth and humor reach out to lots of people. People you don’t know you are affecting.

    Allow yourself to feel all the hurt and pain of having to deal with someone else’s selfishness. But then put on your happiness and light back into knowing you gave an amazing gift to the world. I guarantee you, you are being thought about and remembered this week.



  13. Lori Lavender Luz on March 26, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Well, I am struggling with resentment that you have been depreciated in such a manner. I know my resenting does not serve you, but I cannot understand pushing someone aside because her purpose has been fulfilled/game over. I CAN understand being eternally grateful and showing everl-ovin’ respect to someone who has made another’s dreams come true.

    Harumpffff.

    Sending you virtual hugs during this very hard week. XOXO



  14. Io on March 26, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Sending you a lot of love today. You did an amazing thing and nobody can ever really take that away from you.



  15. MommyLady on March 26, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    I can tell you all I know, the where to go, the what to do
    You can try to run but you can’t hide from what’s inside of you.

    With that being said… You have every reason to feel the way you do. There are no words of solace I can offer you and, truth be told… I don’t want to. Why? Because I feel angry too because of the way you are hurting. I did not go through what you did, but I played a part in the journey. I worried the way a caring mother does throughout the saga. I felt proud of you for giving the gift of life to those who couldn’t on their own. I vicariously felt the heartache you held so tightly to for a long time. I was livid when when you went on a quest and was able to get a lot of supporters when “the one” became ill, and your efforts were smashed like an insistent mosquito out for blood.

    Maybe one day, March 26th will be a happy day, today, just isn’t it.

    p.s. What gift would you like? Celebrate the life, because you will forever be a part of it!



  16. Kristin on March 26, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    You are a beautiful soul with an amazing heart. I wish this anniversary was filled with happiness and light.



  17. Sara on March 29, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    It breaks my heart that anybody could have to endure this pain, and the fact that it’s YOU (of all people, WTF?) makes it even worse. Know that you are loved.

    Your goodness matters, even when it is not appreciated as it should be. Abiding with you.



  18. Be Ballsome on April 15, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    […] The end of March had an attitude and left behind grime and cobwebs on its way out. Seeing as how we repainted all the common areas and rearranged furniture in February, I started dicking around in Photoshop when the cluttered debris of gloom began reorganizing itself into creativity. One work quickly led to another, and by the time I’d finished the second, I got the harebrained idea to open an Etsy shop and offer my prints for purchase. I have a folder full of other random all-up-in-my-emotions-creative-outbursts just sitting there, so “Why not?” I thought to myself. […]